How to Talk to Children About Your Ovarian Cancer

Discussing cancer with children can be a daunting task. It may be tempting to shield children from the overwhelming, even scary, situation. But the truth is that children often pick up on subtle signals that something isn’t right. Often their imaginations lead them to believe things are worse than they really are. The first conversation can be the hardest, but there are several things adults can do to help children understand that a loved one is sick.

Practice out loud

Many people find it helpful to rehearse ahead of time what to say. Saying the words out loud when practicing is important. Hearing yourself say the words is different from just thinking them. In addition to practicing, make to plan when you will have this talk. There will probably never be a good time. But still, starting when the child is relaxed and unstressed will make it easier for both of you to be fully present during the conversation.

As you become more comfortable hearing yourself talk about the future, you will likely find it easier to manage your emotions. It is not necessary (or even good) to bottle up your feelings. Acknowledging and normalizing your own sadness will help children be more comfortable with their own feelings. They will benefit from seeing you feel (but not be consumed by) your emotions. Remaining calm even while you have strong emotions will help reassure your child.

What to say

Use developmentally appropriate language and familiar terms as much as possible. For young children, it may be enough to simply say “Grandma has an illness caused cancer. It is not something you can catch, and Grandma is working with doctors to get better. While she is sick she may be extra tired. She can’t play as much as before but would love to hear you read to her.” Older children will likely be able to take in more information and have many questions.

Let the children guide how long or deep the conversation is. For some children, the initial information will be heard and accepted fairly readily. Others may become very upset and cry. Others may become overwhelmed and leave the room.

Regardless of their responses, it is important that children know that you understand how they feel and are available if they have any questions. Have follow-up talks later that same day and in the days following. Your goal is to keep an open dialogue and demonstrate your support. Invite the child to ask questions. Use this as an opportunity to get ahead of any false ideas they may have picked up from television or friends.

Planning for the future

A loved one getting treated for cancer can bring many changes to the child’s world. These can include changes to routine, who is managing day-to-day affairs, and even how the parent or grandparent looks.

It is important to give children as much developmentally appropriate advance guidance as possible. Early school-age children might draw pictures to communicate how they feel about changes in their lives. Older children may have questions about how the cancer treatment will impact their academic and social schedules. They may also ask what they can do to be helpful.

Though your family’s focus is understandably on the cancer, it is crucial for children to continue to engage normally in school, sports, and spending time with peers.

Teens, especially, may have questions about prognosis and treatments. When discussing these, be truthful and optimistic without creating false hope or telling happy lies. Lies will undermine the child’s future trust in you.

For some children, it may be helpful to let them see where their family member goes for treatments. They may also benefit from speaking with a member of the healthcare team who can explain procedures and treatment goals. A medical social worker can be a helpful asset during this visit if one is available.

Additional supports

It may be helpful to notify your child’s school and other involved adults (such as coaches or the parents of his or her close friends) about a cancer diagnosis in the family. Your child may struggle with changes occurring in the household and display some behaviors that are out of character. Telling trusted adults about the situation will ensure that your child has a support network no matter when or where they have difficulties or need to talk.

Talking about cancer with children means discussing emotionally and cognitively challenging facts honestly. It also means presenting information in a way that is understandable to a child. These tips can get the dialogue started. However, your family may want to include a professional such as a social worker to help.