Finding Beauty Through the Pain

I was afraid of losing many things when I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Some things I wasn't even prepared for, yet I knew they were coming. I was afraid of losing weight, my hair, my beauty, my strength... All the things that make me a woman.

However, to be very honest, what I was most afraid of losing was my femininity, my sensuality, my sex drive, my womanhood. Let's be real; I was scared I would lose my sex appeal! What if I would no longer be or could be beautiful or desired? What if I would become "just a woman?"

To be desired...

When you start down this Teal road, you have all sorts of crazy thoughts. Will they still see me the same way? Will they still want me the same way? I feared I would not still be desired once this disease and all the treatments took their effects. I heard so many horror stories of women suffering during treatment. While some women lose their desire altogether, others still have the desire, but their bodies are so terribly affected. They experience extreme sickness, fatigue, hair loss in some places, and hair growth in other undesired places. Radiation and chemo change the "nature" of the body and just makes life challenging. Dear God...

Losing my womanhood?

I am a woman who desires intimacy and closeness with my partner. I am a passionate lover. So the thought of my body betraying me was bad enough. However, I could accept that. That comes with this Teal journey. But knowing that I just may not be beautiful or desirable anymore as a result of this disease, which I truly could not handle. It gave me panic attacks and, even worse, sent me into depression for a while. I felt a major part of myself was taken from me. It was painful enough to face losing my life, but to lose my womanhood, in my mind, was more than I could bear.

Finding beauty through the pain..

I came to find that my womanhood was not lost. While my life was indeed affected in some ways, as many are, what was not affected was who I was as a woman. That allowed me to embrace my femininity even if it was now bald, and my weight varied. I was still beautiful. I was still sexy! I looked inside to rediscover my sensuality. I struck a match and reignited my passion! I was still a woman in EVERY way and I was thrilled! I was still able to make love, show love, and be loved!

As ovarian cancer survivors, we see so many ugly things and experience so much pain. The beauty in this Teal journey is getting to discover and rediscover ourselves as women. We are empowered in ways we never imagined and blessed to share that with others we hold dear! On this Teal journey, I learned that what was inside my body didn't control or define me as a woman or my womanhood. And that learning that alone was finding beauty through the pain.