Touch Me, Hold Me, Never Let Me Go

Please take a walk with me. This story may also resound in your memories, especially if you are young or young at heart. Visualize a time when your eyes met another human being and, instantly, your brain sent glorious messages that this could be the one.

Moving ahead in time

For me, it was 1980. I worked as a Clinical Nurse Specialist with Vietnam War veterans at the VA Medical Center in Brooklyn, NY. As I walked out of my office on one particular day, I found myself surrounded by several men completing work on a two-year contract.

They often congregated outside my office. Most days, it was a friendly good morning, until that day when something changed. One dark-haired, rather muscular man caught my eye. I quickly realized that he, too, felt an attraction for me.

To make a long story short, we fell passionately in love. Life was good, and we married two years later. It was clear that anytime we were in the same general vicinity, smiles crossed our faces, and all that mattered was the joy we felt for each other. We loved holding hands and stealing a kiss. But, most of the time, we cherish the idea of thinking this is my person. He believes in me. He is someone I can trust with my hopes and dreams.

As life would have it, our twosome became four with much delight as we welcomed two sons, born eleven months apart. At the same time, my Mom joined our household with the intent to fill her life and provide her safety. So naturally, those warm, loving hugs and moments of spontaneous intimacy became group hugs with holding displayed in balancing two babies in our arms.

What we know about human touch

Here we are in 2022, and our world has been in a pandemic for the last few years. Everyone encourages distancing and isolation to remain safe from unknown factors related to Covid-19 and its variants. Unfortunately, most of us reading this article have ovarian cancer and an additional burden as we fight for our lives.

The studies are clear. From a developmental standpoint, infants literally cannot survive without human touch. Skin-to-skin contact, even in the first hour after birth, has been shown to help regulate newborns’ temperature, heart rate, and breathing and decrease crying. In addition, a now-famous study examining children's sensory deprivation led to an awareness that lack of human touch impacts natural systems regulating the experience of calm. (Nicole K. McNichols Ph.D.."Psychology Today" The Vital Importance of Human Touch. August 2021)

Yes, touch quiets our nervous center and slows our heartbeat. Human touch also lowers blood pressure and cortisol, our stress hormone. It also triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that promotes emotional bonding with others.

The need for human touch when you have cancer

Upon entering a sick role, there is evidence of decreased opportunities for touch. Cancer treatment often enhances a sense of isolation. Undergoing chemotherapy demands an intern focus on healing from the side effects of toxic agents on the body. From outside of us, we appear wasted and worn. Our caregivers focus on ways to provide safety by maintaining nutrition and hydration.

In truth, the emotional and spiritual parts of us appear secondary to our survival. But, here's the paradox. While we are in this state, we more than ever need to be touched, to be loved, and even to be held. In fact, I was constantly aware that I wanted to remain whole and have meaning to those around me.

Changing the outcome

Limited by my ability to process, I suddenly realized we were both circling the drain. Our roles had shifted. Usually, my husband could rely on me to be the caregiver and advisor. We needed to intervene.

Yet, simultaneously several things were happening to him. For example, when I became violently ill from the chemo, his main concern was to keep me alive. He also started to come to terms with the potential of loss. Occasionally these elements of stress caused a retreat.

Let me remind you that people grieve losses in many different ways. Some become frightened of their own feelings. A spouse may suddenly depart because they can't bear the pain.

Managing your need for touch

As in many things in life, clear communication of thoughts and feelings is essential. The cancer experience may be the lowest point in a couple's relationship. It takes awareness, patience, and understanding from everyone involved. It may even require another person to identify what they perceive is happening. This easily could be a member of your treatment team, a personal friend, or a member of your faith community.

Instinctively my husband sought to flee to the grocery store to be sure he could provide whatever I could eat or drink. It served a great purpose, and he felt relieved he was meeting my needs. I made sure that I reminded him I was grateful that he was by my side and willing to help in sound decision-making and doing all the basics of life that made things so much easier on me.

When things became more stable, I encouraged my sweet husband to join our children or a friend for breakfast or dinner. I felt he legitimately needed time away. In addition, I was able to verbalize my need that he spend time sitting next to me on the couch. Finally, I let him know I needed him to hold my hand occasionally, kiss my forehead, or even remind me I was still the love of his life.

"Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must take care of what has been given.  Brush her hair, help her into her little coat, hold her hand, especially when crossing a street. For, think, what if you should lose her? Then you would be sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness would be yours. Take care, touch her forehead that she feel herself not so utterly alone. And smile, that she does not..."

-Mary Oliver

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.