Helplessness: Another Lesson on My Cancer Path

Today while watching a PBS documentary, I was reminded that rivers are a wonderful metaphor for life. Each turn of a river presents a new experience. Much like our lives, we may find unexpected challenges. So, how do we respond to every turn? And what do we learn along the way?

Years ago, I attended a lecture by nursing theorist Barbara Barnum Stevens. Professor Stevens clarified the many changes in healthcare. As an analogy to life, she explained that success was previously measured by, "Getting in a boat, taking control of the oars, and crossing the river." But, she insisted with many uncertainties, "Success now amounts to getting in the boat and keeping the boat afloat."

She stressed that we might never get to the river's opposite bank. Instead, a successful existence could be learning to embrace change, float, and adapt to new experiences. Some say that every stone in the road and every disappointment or loss becomes the foundation of our ability to become resilient.

We are the total of life experiences

I admit that I made mistakes and stumbled many times as I traveled my rivers. But, unfortunately, things were not always so rosy.

I made several poor choices. Sometimes I got off course and had to double back to find safety and stability. As a result, I suffered several losses and often wondered if I could find personal happiness.

Sadness and what you do with it

Therapy for me revealed a lot of leftover sadness from the loss of my Dad. Although still a child when he first became ill with cancer, I had an overactive sense of responsibility to improve his life and death experience.

Finally, I had to reach some resolution that I could no longer make life better for him, but to use what I learned to help others accept the reality of loss. I especially recognized the privilege of working with patients and families experiencing trauma and death. I worked fervently to learn the lessons before me and tried to offer solace during difficult times in my patients' lives.

Then life changed

When advanced ovarian cancer arrived, it was yet a new ripple. I never looked back. I never asked, "Why me?" Because this illness was happening all around me. Although I have to admit, I wondered, "Why now?" when it was my time to retire and fulfill new dreams.

Accepting I have a significant disease also required me to recognize that I no longer have complete control of my body, mind, and spirit.

Helplessness

This week, during the simple act of changing into a nightgown, I suddenly lost my balance and ended abruptly on my knees. A broken bone in my foot made it difficult to get up on my own. About 2 hours passed before my husband returned home – I had encouraged him to join friends playing in a trivia competition.

Together we precariously got me up on my feet.

What I learned

After talking myself down from the fright of not being able to help myself, I quickly acknowledged an awareness of physical loss and stamina. Self-talk offers a powerful solution. I stopped the trembling long enough to ask what I must learn from this.

This incident forced me to accept that I am no longer the physically capable person I used to be. I cried for a moment as I felt sorry for myself. However, my thoughts quickly turned to my husband. I worried he would panic as he entered our house. After all, I was alive and relatively safe.

As I write you today, I am grateful that I made it through yet another life event. Yes, there are bruises, and I must battle the results of this fall, but I am here and ready to heal. Please continue to accept blessings from members of this community. We understand this phenomenon and are here to offer support.

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.