"I Just Want It All With You"

Many readers share the day-in and day-out awareness of life with advanced ovarian cancer. No matter how we feel or how capable we are of continuing in the life we know, we are always aware that there is an end. This is not a unique experience, but somehow more prominent. There is that proverbial shoe that will someday drop. While it is painful to acknowledge, it can also be a time of true acceptance and living to the best of all we can offer. I am determined to participate fully in this life we have made for ourselves.

Agreeing to live

Agreeing to live is a mindset. It is all too easy to dissolve in tears and remain in a place of feeling sorry for ourselves. Yet each morning, I rise and am grateful for yet another opportunity to be in this life. It affords me a chance to do it better. Hopefully, you can appreciate this perspective for yourself. Despite the many trials of advancing cancer, being alive is incredible.

I can put aside the physical pain and suffering. I am grateful for that. Instead, I look for abundant joy over life's many blessings. Like many of you, I required surgery and chemotherapy with severe after-effects. However, for the most part, I mustered up enough strength, courage, and belief in myself to go on.

Allow yourself to acknowledge the loss

In truth, there are some days when it is too much and hard to bear. These times I want to curl up and even sometimes give up. Instinctively, anger fills a space and can take many forms. Quietly, it is easy to become frustrated with others enjoying all the experiences we dreamed of having.

While Facebook posts allow us to stay in touch with friends and family, they also add to the realization that life is different. So many have the freedom to focus on trivial things while I need to be sure I remember to take these new blue chemotherapy pills.

Each of us has a stress tolerance limit. Fortunately, I find that I go in and out of that limit. It is so easy to reach the edge. It takes effort to remind myself that "this, too, shall pass." And when all else fails, it is essential to readjust expectations to survive.

A way to live

Many years ago, I learned to balance the pain of loss. Yes, having a chronic progressive illness creates an experience of loss. There are times of isolation when immunocompromised. These times promote feelings of loneliness that only you can appreciate. There are limitations to being able to engage in physical activities. Being unable to attend gatherings starts to be so much the norm that people quickly forget to invite us. Perhaps separation is a factor in learning to accept. Is it part of the design of those I love getting used to life when I am truly gone?

I see people moving on. Phone calls are fewer, and others replace the needs that I fulfilled. My logical self tells me this is necessary preparation, the culmination of anticipatory grieving. Nevertheless, it doesn't change the fact that it can feel like a betrayal. I sometimes want to cry out, "Don't stop believing."

It is right to give yourself time to grieve. But clearly, it serves no one to stay in that place of worry and sorrow. Each of us needs to fill our lives with equal joy. We can be in complete control over what we choose to think. If nothing in the present fills your soul, let it be a joyful memory of times gone by.

Resolution

This week I listened to the Jones Boys, a Welsh men's singing group, performing on Britain's Got Talent. Somehow, I can't get their song, "Biblical" out of my mind. As I listen repeatedly, I embrace one line: "I don't know who I'd be if I never found you and you never found me." The song reminds me of my love for my husband and children, who have brought me through this illness. It says, "I want to have it all with you."

And yes, that's it. I want to have it all. To do so, it is up to me to live this life fully for as long as there is life in me. I cannot waste time. Dwelling in my unhappiness and the have-nots takes away from the time I can be present to everyone I love.

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.